Wow! I cannot believe 4 months have gone by without a post. I had another miscarriage in June. That made number three for the year. It can be quite frustrating for someone with fertility problems because every time you get pregnant the testing you have to go through (especially,hcg levels) can be quite exhausting. Through the whole process I just kept thinking why can’t I be normal like most woman and just get pregnant without all of these tests? The other frustrating concern I had was why isn’t anyone telling me the root cause of my problems. They had said I had PCOS but most of the testing I had done for that was normal. The infertility Doctor wanted to put me on clomid which is supposed to boost ovarian function, In conjunction with metformin for the PCOS. My gut was saying no I did not want that option. I did not want to start messing around with my ovulation without knowing why I kept miscarrying. I am certainly not a Doctor, but I was getting pregnant every other month I did not think my partner and I had a problem conceiving a child. It was keeping a child in my womb that was posing the difficulty. I kept diligently doing research on-line about miscarriages. It seemed to me that it was some kind of chromosomal abnormality in me or my partner. I was fairly convinced of that, however, I had a D&C last year and they performed tests on the gestational sac and chromosomal abnormalities were ruled out. I was becoming more and more frustrated by my research. Around that time I had a conversation with my mom asking her if she would be disappointed in me if I just gave up hope and stopped trying. I just could not put myself through the emotional rollercoaster anymore. She advised me to never give up hope in having a child, and if I did now I would regret my decision in many years to come.

I have been wondering if I would feel such an urgency to conceive a child, if say, I was twenty-one and not thirty-four years old. I definitely feel my biological clock ticking everyday. At twenty-one I wanted to have a family. I had always had irregular cycles, but thought nothing of the effect it would have on me when I got older. Now I am second guessing NOT second guessing my fertile future when I was that young. Now I am thirty-four scurrying from one Doctor to another trying to find out what is wrong with me. It seems once they rule out one thing they are on to another. Meanwhile, my head is spinning, my emotions are out of control- and all I can hear in my ear is…….tick,tick,tick.

I feel tired lately. Alot more than I have felt in a long time. I cannot stop feeling a little down on myself and my life because I am not being able to have children. It affects everything in my life right now. I am trying to keep myself busy. This one thing in my life is making me feel that all of my accomplishments are failures. I have hope that on the other side of all of this I will be a happier person. I am truly trying to focus on things in my life that will bring accomplishment. I try to make myself feel better by exercising, eating right and going shopping. However, I feel like I am one of those shallow people in life that just focuses on themselves. What else am I to do? Another week starts for me tomorrow- I will go through the same routine as I have for the past three years. I am in a rut, and I am fighting hard to get out of it. I am reminded of what one of the greatest philosophers of our time Joseph Campbell said, ” Follow your Bliss.” I am going to fight damn hard right now to follow mine

For most men having a semen analysis is an emasculating process. They feel very frightened by the aspect of an inadequate sperm count and or motility. Our society has built a taboo on men speaking on such matters. Because it interferes with the archaic belief that a man is here to pro-create, and if he can’t do that he has lost his masculinity. I do not believe if my partner had a low sperm count or motility that I would think less of him as a man. However, there is a stigma  around men who have fathered children, and I believe the stigma is between the sexes. If men believe another man is the cause of infertility they see weakness in him. Women feel the same about a woman who is barren. “She must be doing something wrong if she cannot conceive and bare a child.” Instead of offering support they feel they need to offer advice. That is what really upsets me. When you have lost a loved one and you are at their funeral is it appropriate for people to make comments and suggestions on how you should cope with your loss. In my opinion that would be a great faux pau. When a loss in life occurs it is acceptable in American culture to say, “I am sorry.” I would be much more accepting and non threatened by a person if when they decide to cross the boundary of rudeness by asking me if I have children and I say no I am having a problem with that- they do not interject the secrets of how they conceived their child. They simply say “I am sorry.” And leave it at that.